Dumbstruck

Twice within a week I found myself so taken aback I froze. Whatever wit I have disappeared, and not only could I not say what I needed to in a nice way, I couldn’t say anything at all.

The first time it happened was in my own house. I was baking Tate’s chemo week pretzel rolls, and the weather was so gorgeous we had the front door open. One of our neighbor ladies slipped past Greg and the dogs with a plate of cookies and was suddenly standing next to me in our flour-covered kitchen. “Get out!” got stuck in my throat, and a much kinder “You can’t be in here, let’s go outside” didn’t even cross my mind until two days later. She was trying to do something nice for us, and I didn’t want to be rude because she’s someone I like and she has a huge heart. At some point she told me she was really sick with COVID for three weeks in December and that wearing a mask to prevent the spread of a virus is like trying to catch a mosquito with a chain link fence. I told her Scott has only come into our house once since March, and I haven’t seen my parents in over a year. Tate and I have missed holidays and gatherings with Greg’s side of the family. Greg works constantly because of COVID. I think my demeanor must have changed from uncomfortable to angry because she apologized and let herself out. We landed in a good place, but for the life of me I cannot explain how I couldn’t stop it when it was happening. I certainly can’t explain how a person who just recovered from a bad case of COVID thought it was acceptable to tell me how useless my efforts to prevent it from getting into our house are.

The second one made me really sad. I posted a long rant on Facebook and will try to keep it short here. There was a lady who let her two daughters run amok in a store, and when I was paying I suddenly had one of the unmasked, unwatched girls on either side of me. I mentioned to the cashier how I was uncomfortable with them being so close to me, and the mom finally appears and starts picking a fight with me about how they don’t have to wear masks because she says so. Mom, of course, isn’t wearing a mask either, and she’s angry and loud and causing a scene. Then the mom says one of her daughters has Leukemia and if she doesn’t need a mask I certainly don’t need one. I was so surprised all I could do was put my hand up and say, “You stop talking to me.” She didn’t, though, and I asked the cashier to call the police if the woman came any closer. And her daughter – I was embarrassed I didn’t instantly recognize her as a cancer patient. Her face was unusually round, and she had acne even though she seemed very young; it was Prednisone week. The same thing happens to Tate. I think of that little girl and wish I had said something about how strong and brave she is, but what I told her instead is that she couldn’t stand by me.

I can only hope that situations like this – where my boundaries have been breached and I failed to communicate with any level of kindness and clarity – will help me react better in the future. I vow to be stronger and tactful. Something I realized in both interactions is that they were refusing to be victims to some political agenda whereas what is at stake for me is my family’s health – I didn’t feel like my freedom was being taken away until they made the choice for me. I doubt they would see the irony.

Tate is doing awesome. It took him a couple days longer to get over chemo week this time, but he’s fine now. He’s flustered in a good way trying to keep up with his schoolwork, and he’s keeping up with his exercises three times per week. He even decided to swap out the windshield wipers and replace the tire caps on his car one afternoon.

This has been a bit of a rant. Thank you for respecting the bubble. The people that love us best have kept their distance whether they agree with me or not, and I am truly grateful for being shown that level of respect.

Believe it or not, I am traveling to Idaho by myself to visit my parents for a week. I don’t know when it will be “safe” for them to come see us, and it feels like it has been too long since we drove each other crazy in the way that only families. I left our house this morning with the faith that Tate will be okay and enjoy having a week with just his dad. It was snowing when I arrived, and if the roads are not driveable for this desert girl tomorrow, the Quinta Inn in Ely, NV may be my new home.